Where Girls don't Cry

9 kilos off. and that's only, a quarter of what i need to lose.

now, if i go on at the rate i did, i will be slim and sexy in a year. woohoo. but of course that is impossible. weight loss is never that easy. i will reach the standstill soon, i can predict that much.

as i let my fingers linger over the keypad, i know that i needed to put down in words whatever happened tonight. but i have no idea where to start. where, i wonder, did i lose that power and control over my own self? or maybe, i never had that power in the first place. maybe it was an illusion so perfectly concocted in my head and being, an illusion i needed desperately to continue surviving.

when i parked the car, i sat cradling my head in my hands, resting my weary mind and tumultous thoughts on the steering wheel for i was unable to bear the burden and pain of my thoughts, regrets, emotions. the whole ride through, i started to think of what it is exactly that would hurt me at this moment. the first thing that came to mind was tok. and the inevitable passing away of a man so broken when he lost his love, a man who went through so many strokes and heart attacks in the past years, a man who knows and shows his time is nearing. i know that too. i cried then, as i am crying now, knowing that i will regret the fact i have let life come to this, that the person i loved and who kept me pure and innocent when no others was there to protect a child, has become a stranger to me. but what brings on the pain is that i am reminded, through thoughts of him, that nenek is no longer around, has not been around for years. and yet the pain of her passing is still so fresh, so brutal, so filled with regrets. i would be a much stronger person today if she was still around. i would be a much better person. i would know love exists in a family. i would believe in the instituition of marriage. i would believe in love, between a man and a woman, a love so true that death can bring the other to despair and a readiness to die so as to be together again. i would be able to believe in a mother's love and goodness, that no matter how screwed up or bad her children are, she would still love and accept them.

at this point, i still sometimes wish she is still around. at this point, i still, in all my childishness and pain, beg God to bring her back.

Time does not bring relief

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!'
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

Edna St Vincent Millay (1892 -1950)

i spoke to God today, after a long time. in my car, when the pain was too much to bear, i asked for it to stop. i asked Him, as i have not asked for anything in years, for mercy and for forgiveness. i told him that i know and believe i'm not worthy of forgiveness, but i begged him to make everything stop. to stop people from hurting me, but more importantly, i begged him to stop me from hurting myself.

it wasn't about a guy.

it was about being able to feel again. it was about how difficult it is for me to feel again. it was about having to feel again, and yet, all i feel now is pain and hurt. it was about needing some love, because one can only take so much before she gives up on living a life so devoid of it. it was about knowing that, as much as i try to convince myself otherwise, i do want a family of my own in the near future. a husband who will teach me the meaning of love and partnership, who will guide me through life. and children, who will bring meaning to life, and teach me to be truly altruistic. still, the fear that i will never achieve this grows stronger with every passing year, with every guy who looks at me and loves me as a mere sister/friend and never anything more. the fear i will never find the happiness i crave.

it wasn't about a guy.

and i've had enough. enough of things. i can't be who i am not. it tears me up inside to hear the same thing again and again. it tears me up to hear someone talk about a girl whose character he does not know, yet he is chasing her. because i am here, my character is here, yet no one wants a person like me.

i've had enough of trying to figure out why we always chase people who are chasing other people.

and in the midst of the increasing depression, i turned to the people who's always made things better in the past.

kz, no matter how far apart we are, and how we no longer communicate and seem to share that similarity we did, i am so grateful and thankful that you would have done whatever needed, despite your own physical injury, to be there for me just now, to take me away from breaking down. i am thankful you could read through the ambiguity in my message, and know that something was truly wrong. i am thankful for your care and concern still, for still wanting to be my knight in shining armour in rmy eally hard times. for your kindness, that was all the strength i needed to survive the night. to know that at my lowest, there will be someone to pull me through when i ask for a helping hand.

for your simple call and act of kindness managed to save me from plummeting to the depths of depression and despair. this is the love i've always had in my life, when i had no other forms. in recent times, i focused too much on the other form of love i wanted, and i pushed this love aside.

tonight, this love saved me. i need to remember who i used to be. i need to remember to believe in myself. i need to remember my faith and trust in God and his plan for me.

sigh.

hungry hungry hungry

pasar malam food pasar malam fooooood

so i spent the weekend, un-school related and it felt good. extremely good to have a change in the normal routine. instead of that saturday in school, sunday lazing and massive household chores, i spent saturday shopping, lazing and household chores, sunday at vivo for settling the Starhub transfer and Hellboy with iwan. Now its 5pm, and i feel refreshed. just have to set a worksheet for tomorrow and i'm done!

Wheeeee~

there's so much changes lately, i just hope i've been doing the right thing.

money matters suck btw. my recent woes are caused by it. damn my extravagant lifestyle. as much as i know im digging myself a deeper grave, i still shop! damn the lack of self-control.

anyway, as of last night, i loss another 2kg. though i think i gained it back today with all the junk food i consumed.

i am really down to 1 meal a day lately. while scary, i'm so happy i don't have the nafsu to eat much. i try to even out the effects of that with my array of vitamins, vegetable and rest.

how can you get to the future, when your past is present?

i'm glad work has lately brought more meaning. i know and feel i have been doing somethings right lately, when it comes to students. i am able to finally feel that i am getting what i've always thought was the reason for why i chose this career path.

it feels good to be able to make a difference in their lives, to have them open up to you and to know you might have a played a part in enabling them to achieve their dreams.

i know i want to be a teacher counsellor. :)

you are that earthquake that has shaken my entire world. you've changed my view. you've showed me that what i thought was my strengths, weren't actually strong enough to be good for me. you let loose the foundations i've built to keep me straight and strong in the face of the testing wind. and while i do welcome that, in a sense, so as to be able to change for the better, my fear is that you are not offering the support to cushion the fall when i finally collapse.

and i don't blame you. for you do not see me as a target, i am just in the vicinity that you've chosen to appear at. It was just a coindence, the time and place that you arrived and you probably did not know what you have really caused, but all the same, you are my natural disaster.

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.

i wish i could say i wished you never happened. but i thank you for being that one person i've been waiting for to remind me of who i used to be.

i am pushing myself beyond my own imagination. but i am, happy? i like this new schedule of mine, i like this pushing thing. at least, i don't feel i'm wasting my life.

here's more from the photoshoot. will upload the rest of the pictures once i iron out some details regarding photoshop.

Smile

the model was so gila, cute, hawt, pretty and a joy to work with.

Shah

i love the background. i dont really think he goes with it, but i just love the background. i think the funnest part of photoshop is the brushes!

ok, now to sleep to face the crazy day tomorrow.

i'm pushing myself to my physical limit and i do not know why.

i lost another kg today, but i think i might have gained it back with the meals i had today.

3 movies watched this week, only 2 i will recommend you all watch. "Never Back Down" and "Get Smart".

i hate schoooooool. i hate worrrrrk. i hate my new timetable.

today was sports day. i knew we had to be on standby, but i thought there wldn't be any need for us to actually have to do anything. i mean, come on its just sports day. all throughout my school life, i never had any news or heard about any classmates/schoolmates who had to be given first aid on such days.

and boy was i wrong. kids nowadays, or perhaps kids in this school, seem to crave attention in a disturbing way. especially the younger ones. perhaps they are not used to the sort of muscle cramps they were experiencing, or maybe they were really in pain, but it was just fucking cramps man, not even sprains. after a while, i knew they were just soaking in the attention we had to give to them because we ourselves fear having to be responsible for subsequent serious consequences. the crying, not being able to walk and the drama.

gosh. i was, and perhaps still am, so pissed off. they overdid it, and caused so much trouble to so many people/teachers. aren't they aware of that? are kids nowadays that spoilt? or thick-skinned so as to gather as much attention from their teachers in the sickest way, playing the wounded victim shit?

sigh. i am so angry, because i know i shouldn't be angry. i shouldn't because they are young, and perhaps not mature enough to realise the consequences of their pretense/exageration/actions. perhaps they do suffer some attention-deficit issues that caused them to revel in the sort of personalized attention and care they finally got today. but i could not reason away the increasing irritation at having to run around tending to kids who are not even seriously hurt. the irritation of seeing my own cadets being treated like shit by these kids. the irritation of having to sit at awkward angles and the now-aching right shoulder resulting. it was hard to use the logical side of me to outweigh the emotional side.

ok. we shan't discuss me much.

everytime we finish this sort of events, especially when its for real in the midst of all the simulation, and to see certain students stand out above the name of duty, i get that glowing feeling of love for and pride in some of them. for students like n*cole, d*an, sh*ning, h*nisah and most importantly, j*rrold. the seniors who subtly, i think even without them realising it, embody the true spirit and meaning of the CCA. they put aside their hunger, thirst, exhaustion and own enjoyment in the name of care and concern, to the extent of being mistreated. i have only went through the torture recently, and boy did i get grouchy after those events. we worked much much harder than any other team, i feel, and yet we are not recognised for that. its amazing to actually realise the kids stick through the 4/5 years in this CCA, knowing very well their hard work is often not credited or recognised.

though they might not have all the qualities most leaders do, their good-naturedness makes up more than is necessary. in times like this, i love these simple neighbourhood kids better than i ever would a bright student with that great talent and potential.

because the beauty of it all is to see their shining, strong spirit and character that is built over time, of their own accord and sense of moral wellbeing, instead of the god-given talent and potential others were granted with.

:) and this is why we treat them better, and to a greater extent, than other CCA teachers. to allowing them to do as they please so as to have fun (while making sure they have the ease of transport), buying them food to repay them for their self-initiated hardwork, sacrificing our food so that they get to eat.

now, i have all the heart and desire to treat these kids like the princes/princesses they are.